Hello Everyone,
Unconsciously my mind said out a prayer asking for safety and a thanks for the kid who worked hard with the alarm, though it gave so short a notice that all I could do was jump and hide below this couch. I shall run the moment they enter the room shouted my panicked heart while my mind warned there might me more of them waiting for me outside.
Thud Thud Thud
Bang Bang Bang
The door gave-in under the heavy weight of their shoulders and I was startled at the shots. Just then, I crawled out to run away before my head exploded in sharp pain, my vision blurred at sight of my blood and my brain stopped registering anymore pain as left me to die and then everything faded away.
RACHEAL HARRIE of the Rach Writes is holding FIRST CAMPAIGN CHALLENGE in the FOURTH CAMPAIGN. Here is the challenge:
Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “Shadows crept across the wall”. These five words will be included in the word count.
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), do one or more of these:
- end the story with the words: "everything faded." (also included in the word count)
- include the word "orange" in the story
- write in the same genre you normally write
- make your story 200 words exactly!
Here is my entry:
--x--
Shadows crept across the wall in the dim orange glow of the bed-lamp as they crouched low, holding the bat's grip tight in their sweating palms, straining their ears to listen , ready to break-in into my bed-room to kill me while I was hiding under the couch directly opposite them, thunderstruck, careful not to give out my position and watching the men who are about to hunt me.
Unconsciously my mind said out a prayer asking for safety and a thanks for the kid who worked hard with the alarm, though it gave so short a notice that all I could do was jump and hide below this couch. I shall run the moment they enter the room shouted my panicked heart while my mind warned there might me more of them waiting for me outside.
Thud Thud Thud
Bang Bang Bang
The door gave-in under the heavy weight of their shoulders and I was startled at the shots. Just then, I crawled out to run away before my head exploded in sharp pain, my vision blurred at sight of my blood and my brain stopped registering anymore pain as left me to die and then everything faded away.--x--
Did you like it? Does it make sense? Are you participating in the campaign too? Kindly drop in your link @comments so that I can visit you back.
with warm regards
Abhishek Boinapalli
54 comments:
Quick on the draw! Both intense and sad. Yes, it made sense, to me at least. And that first sentence is epic. Nice one! :)
Hey! New follower here via the campaign... and lovely excerpt. Great job! :D
Dramatic and nice build-up!
*waves from the campaign* :D
I like it a lot - very intense. I'm left wondering about the backstory to this and there are all sorts of possibilities - a great effect to achieve.
Very intense...It was as if I was there in the room....nicely done.
Ooh very scary! I wouldn't like to be in that situation!! Great job!!
I'm entry #19
Very nice build-up of tension. I'm wondering, though, if breaking the first paragraph into shorter sentences wouldn't increase the tension just a bit more.
Wow you put this together quickly. Very nice!
The first paragraph was composed of very long sentences. You might want to break them up. Other than that, it was a great story. What a pity it was so sad. What genre do you usually write?
My entry is nr. 23, the link is:
http://katharina-gerlach.blogspot.com/2012/02/first-challenge-mg-fantasy.html
As Jenny said, the first sentence is quite long and would be better (definitely raise the tension) if broken into shorter sentences... It certainly is a terrifying scene, though, with a very immediate sense of the danger.
could use some tightening up, but great scene! suspenseful!
Nice job with the descriptions. I love the sweaty plams gripping the bat.
I'm entry #30.
Woah! That was really good and scary!! :)
I'm #39
Wow, very scary! Good job!
Eek! How scary. Great job! :)
YIKES! Blood splattered picture!!
I agree about the first paragraph being pretty long. Not sure if you were trying to build tension that way. When reading it, it was almost as if I couldn't breath! But that held the tension nicely! Great job!
Here's my entry: http://ashley-nixon.blogspot.com/2012/02/campaign-challenge.html?showComment=1329774323804#c1415067857144323770
I like it.. but then I'm a sucker for suspenseful/scary stories. :) Nice work.
I enjoyed the fast pace and adding the pics made it exciting! :) Good job!
Dramatic situation. Good job.
@Everyone,
thanks for all your comments!!
I am not sure if breaking the first sentence / para would build more tension. I am gonna check it out now!!
Thanks for all your suggestions!!
Happy Campaign everyone!!
First off way to go being the first! you must be very motivated. good job!
Quite tense! I'm not sure what happened at the end. Did they turn around and see her come out from under the couch? Mysterious!
Very action packed.
Over from the challenge :)
Cool!Great job!
Nice job! Very tense, with hardly a moment to breathe!
Wow, intense. Good job.
Intense!! Good job!
Very intense. You did a great job bringing us inside the character's mind. And that ending is brutal in a good way.
Cool and intense take on the challenge. Nicely done. New follower too. :)
Nice! The beginning was loaded with maybe too many descriptions of location, but after that it definitely was better. I loved how much action you actually managed to fit in! Good job!
You picked great pictures to go along with this, and I like the tension.
Great suspense. Great job considering the 200-word count. I felt the aniticipation with each word. (Sigh) I can breathe now.
Yes, it kept me gripped. One negative comment -- the first paragraph was 1 HUGE sentence. It didn't keep with the pace and suspense of the rest of the story. Staccato sentences would serve better, echoing the scared character's heartbeat. Personal opinion - take or leave it. :)
I'm with the campaign (#107)
Yep, this is one when you want to know what happened first. Nice way to use the prompts. I'm number 112.
Intense story - whew! - loved it!
Laurie Buchanan, entry #92
Great job! That was scary.
Wow, intense!!!
You did a really great job getting the tension across in this piece. Love it!
The first person narrative made the suspense more personal.
Lee (#126 on the Campaign Challenge List)
An A to Z Co-Host
Tossing It Out
Twitter: @AprilA2Z
#atozchallenge
Hi there, I'm stopping by from the Fantasy group at the campaign!
Wow, that was insanely intense. I can't imagine the fear that would fill you at having your home broken into . . . I have a feeling that there's going to be a lot of death scenes this round, though!
Nice!!
I was holding my breath..Oh so scary! I am #140
Intense. I did not see that ending coming. I'm #88. Comments welcome.
Richard
Heavy end scene!
Breathless! Very good story, and a very unexpected end. And kudos on the illustrations, too.
The first person narrative made the suspense more personal.
Neatly written. Loved the crispy minute details you bagged in this fiction of a meagre 200 words. Kudos :)
Your article was very helpful. I'm really grateful.
You managed to make my heart race despite the limited word count. Nice job! From a fellow campaigner :)
Tense, fast paced. Heart-pounding. On the down side, there were a couple of run-on sentences. Work on your grammar.
Nice job!
The first paragraph was way too long. Definitely needs tightening. But really if you aren't used to writing shorts, this was a pretty good crack at it. Shorts/flash take lots of practice to hone and get the punch in as little words as possible. Glad you took a swing at it. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing!
Hope you like mine #189
Hey, I'm a fellow campaigner. That was intense. I wasn't realy expecting the end.
I enjoyed this. An unexpected ending!
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