Monday, February 20, 2012

First Campaigner Challenge -- Four Campaign

Hello Everyone,

 RACHEAL HARRIE of the Rach Writes is holding FIRST CAMPAIGN CHALLENGE in the FOURTH CAMPAIGN.  Here is the challenge:

Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “Shadows crept across the wall”. These five words will be included in the word count. 
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), do one or more of these:
  • end the story with the words: "everything faded." (also included in the word count)
  • include the word "orange" in the story
  • write in the same genre you normally write
  • make your story 200 words exactly!

Here is my entry:

--x--
Shadows crept across the wall in the dim orange glow of the bed-lamp as they crouched low, holding the bat's grip tight in their sweating palms, straining their ears to listen , ready to break-in into my bed-room to kill me while I was hiding under the couch directly opposite them, thunderstruck, careful not to give out my position and watching the men who are about to hunt me.

Unconsciously my mind said out a prayer asking for safety and a thanks for the kid who worked hard with the alarm, though it gave so short a notice that all I could do was jump and hide below this couch. I shall run the moment they enter the room shouted my panicked heart while my mind warned there might me more of them waiting for me outside.

Thud Thud Thud

Bang Bang Bang

The door gave-in under the heavy weight of their shoulders and I was startled at the shots. Just then, I crawled out to run away before my head exploded in sharp pain, my vision blurred at sight of my blood and my brain stopped registering anymore pain as left me to die and then everything faded away.
--x--
Did you like it? Does it make sense? Are you participating in the campaign too? Kindly drop in your link @comments so that I can visit you back.

with warm regards
Abhishek Boinapalli

55 comments:

David P. King said...

Quick on the draw! Both intense and sad. Yes, it made sense, to me at least. And that first sentence is epic. Nice one! :)

Morgan said...

Hey! New follower here via the campaign... and lovely excerpt. Great job! :D

Elodie said...

Dramatic and nice build-up!
*waves from the campaign* :D

Nick Wilford said...

I like it a lot - very intense. I'm left wondering about the backstory to this and there are all sorts of possibilities - a great effect to achieve.

Rek said...

Very intense...It was as if I was there in the room....nicely done.

Jess said...

Ooh very scary! I wouldn't like to be in that situation!! Great job!!

I'm entry #19

Jenny said...

Very nice build-up of tension. I'm wondering, though, if breaking the first paragraph into shorter sentences wouldn't increase the tension just a bit more.

Bess Weatherby said...

Wow you put this together quickly. Very nice!

Cat said...

The first paragraph was composed of very long sentences. You might want to break them up. Other than that, it was a great story. What a pity it was so sad. What genre do you usually write?

My entry is nr. 23, the link is:
http://katharina-gerlach.blogspot.com/2012/02/first-challenge-mg-fantasy.html

Rachel Morgan said...

As Jenny said, the first sentence is quite long and would be better (definitely raise the tension) if broken into shorter sentences... It certainly is a terrifying scene, though, with a very immediate sense of the danger.

Tara Tyler said...

could use some tightening up, but great scene! suspenseful!

kmckendry said...

Nice job with the descriptions. I love the sweaty plams gripping the bat.

I'm entry #30.

Alyssa said...

Woah! That was really good and scary!! :)

I'm #39

Krista M said...

Wow, very scary! Good job!

Carrie Butler said...

Eek! How scary. Great job! :)

Margo Kelly said...

YIKES! Blood splattered picture!!

Ashley Nixon said...

I agree about the first paragraph being pretty long. Not sure if you were trying to build tension that way. When reading it, it was almost as if I couldn't breath! But that held the tension nicely! Great job!

Here's my entry: http://ashley-nixon.blogspot.com/2012/02/campaign-challenge.html?showComment=1329774323804#c1415067857144323770

Kevin Hiatt said...

I like it.. but then I'm a sucker for suspenseful/scary stories. :) Nice work.

Ann Cory said...

I enjoyed the fast pace and adding the pics made it exciting! :) Good job!

J.C. Martin said...

Dramatic situation. Good job.

Abhishek Boinapalli said...

@Everyone,

thanks for all your comments!!

I am not sure if breaking the first sentence / para would build more tension. I am gonna check it out now!!

Thanks for all your suggestions!!

Happy Campaign everyone!!

bridgetstraub.com said...

First off way to go being the first! you must be very motivated. good job!

Sherri Lackey said...

Quite tense! I'm not sure what happened at the end. Did they turn around and see her come out from under the couch? Mysterious!

Charmaine Clancy said...

Very action packed.
Over from the challenge :)

RaeAnn said...

Cool!Great job!

meradeth said...

Nice job! Very tense, with hardly a moment to breathe!

S.P. Bowers said...

Wow, intense. Good job.

Ainsley Shay said...

Intense!! Good job!

AveryMarsh said...

Very intense. You did a great job bringing us inside the character's mind. And that ending is brutal in a good way.

Mina Burrows said...

Cool and intense take on the challenge. Nicely done. New follower too. :)

Stuart Nager said...

Very suspenseful. 1st time campaigner here.

Tale Spinning: Wednesday's Child

Sarah said...

Nice! The beginning was loaded with maybe too many descriptions of location, but after that it definitely was better. I loved how much action you actually managed to fit in! Good job!

Gwen said...

You picked great pictures to go along with this, and I like the tension.

KSCollier said...

Great suspense. Great job considering the 200-word count. I felt the aniticipation with each word. (Sigh) I can breathe now.

Erin Kane Spock said...

Yes, it kept me gripped. One negative comment -- the first paragraph was 1 HUGE sentence. It didn't keep with the pace and suspense of the rest of the story. Staccato sentences would serve better, echoing the scared character's heartbeat. Personal opinion - take or leave it. :)
I'm with the campaign (#107)

Liza said...

Yep, this is one when you want to know what happened first. Nice way to use the prompts. I'm number 112.

holessence said...

Intense story - whew! - loved it!

Laurie Buchanan, entry #92

alexia said...

Great job! That was scary.

digillette said...

Wow, intense!!!

Stephanie Allen said...

You did a really great job getting the tension across in this piece. Love it!

Arlee Bird said...

The first person narrative made the suspense more personal.


Lee (#126 on the Campaign Challenge List)
An A to Z Co-Host
Tossing It Out
Twitter: @AprilA2Z
#atozchallenge

Rebekah Loper said...

Hi there, I'm stopping by from the Fantasy group at the campaign!

Wow, that was insanely intense. I can't imagine the fear that would fill you at having your home broken into . . . I have a feeling that there's going to be a lot of death scenes this round, though!

Traci Kenworth said...

Nice!!

Doreen McGettigan said...

I was holding my breath..Oh so scary! I am #140

villagedrummerfiction said...

Intense. I did not see that ending coming. I'm #88. Comments welcome.
Richard

C.M.Brown said...

Heavy end scene!

JD said...

Breathless! Very good story, and a very unexpected end. And kudos on the illustrations, too.

vivacrown.net said...

The first person narrative made the suspense more personal.

Naresh Khoisnam said...

Neatly written. Loved the crispy minute details you bagged in this fiction of a meagre 200 words. Kudos :)

jackpot168.net said...

Your article was very helpful. I'm really grateful.

S.M. Hutchins said...

You managed to make my heart race despite the limited word count. Nice job! From a fellow campaigner :)

Written Words said...

Tense, fast paced. Heart-pounding. On the down side, there were a couple of run-on sentences. Work on your grammar.

Nice job!

Jamie Dement (LadyJai) said...

The first paragraph was way too long. Definitely needs tightening. But really if you aren't used to writing shorts, this was a pretty good crack at it. Shorts/flash take lots of practice to hone and get the punch in as little words as possible. Glad you took a swing at it. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing!

Hope you like mine #189

James said...

Hey, I'm a fellow campaigner. That was intense. I wasn't realy expecting the end.

Sarah Pearson said...

I enjoyed this. An unexpected ending!

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