Morning All,
Today I have Emlyn Chand, the author of Open Heart doing a guest post for us. Here we go:
--x--
How to be Popular and Keep Losers from Climbing the Social Ladder by Brady Evans (for Emlyn Chand)
Hey, what’s going on? My name is Brady, and
I’m here to school you on what it takes to be popular—but more importantly,
what it takes to stay popular.
 |
| Loser |
Here’s the deal, you have to be hot in
order to be popular. So if you are fat, pimply, or otherwise awkward to look
at, stop reading this post and go study for your science test. There’s no hope
for you.
What, to harsh? Well, at least I’m not afraid to tell you the truth, and
you shouldn’t be afraid to accept it. Unless you enjoy wasting your time...
Yeah, anyway, now that we’ve gotten rid of
the freaks, let’s continue. Congratulations, you are one of the “pretty people”
as my GF Ronnie would say. You may have what it takes to be popular.
Next question, how good are you at sports?
Are you on any JV or varsity teams? If you are good-looking and athletic, then
we can safely assume you are already popular. Not too sporty? There’s still a
chance you could be popular. If you’re a guy, you better be damn smooth—I mean,
you either need a hot car, a hot girlfriend, or possibly a motorcycle. If
you’re a girl, you need to have nice T and A, or just a tight A, or nice bouncy
Ts. Hey, I am just being honest with you, people!
So next on the check list is brains. You
can’t be stupid, but you can’t be too smart either—or at least you can’t show
off your geek muscle on a regular basis. All A’s is okay, but sitting in the
front of the classroom, raising your hand every time the teacher asks a question
or any of that other pet stuff is not acceptable. Well, unless, said teacher is
super hot, and your motivations aren’t... purely academic.
 |
| Loser |
See, it’s not too hard to be popular once
you get past that first hurdle. Of course, you can’t have uber freakish
tendencies, like you can’t wear eye make-up if you’re a dude or talk to
yourself in the hallways or listen to stupid emo music, but provided you aren’t
the self-sabotage type, the last thing you need to do is defend your
popularity. What do I mean by “defend your popularity?”
Think about it, if everyone was popular
than being popular wouldn’t be too special, now would it? As a member of the
high school elite, it’s your job to decide who can or can’t be your friend.
It’s also your job to remind the plebes that you are on top and they are just
grimy gum under your shoe—especially if you fear they may unjustly gain
popularity one day.
For example, Alex Kosmitoras, ugh, the
kid’s a freak, walking into school with that stupid red and white stick of his,
sucking up to the Chem teacher, crushing on that ugly fat girl. Yeah... So why
do I care? Why do I pay him any attention? Well, if we let him ascend the
ranks, he could change the criteria, and then several other unbelonging losers
would infiltrate our popular core. You see the problem?
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| Social Ladder |
And let’s face it, his blindness could
easily give him an edge since the sympathy factor could play major with some of
the touchier-feelier cheerleaders. And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but...
he actually passes the first criterion. I mean, hey, I’m all man, so it’s not
like that, but I see the way chicks look at him some times, and, okay, his one
friend, Sharpie or whatever, she is totally hot. And well, yeah, I just gotta
keep him down, you know?
So hate on me for being the one to take on
the burden of keeping our upper social strata pure. I guess I just believe in
something, and is that so wrong?
--x--
Wishing Open Heart all success
Abhishek Boinapalli
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