Sunday, March 20, 2011

Second Crusader Challenge

This post is in response to the Second Crusader Challenge by Rachael Harrie I am not crusader yet.  The concept is quite simple, write a flash fiction story (in any format) in 100 words or less, excluding the title. Begin the story with the words, “The goldfish bowl teetered” These four words will be included in the word count.


I am posting my entry here, Just have a look at it and let me know how you feel about it.


--x--

The goldfish bowl teetered at the edge, as I was watching, helplessly.

I am in pain, intense pain, thanks to the gunmen My body is now torn apart and any moment now could be my last. Everything around me is still as stone and I wanted to shout to swat team to save the bowl, but the voice isn’t coming.

I am uncertain, if I would be loved after all, if I will be shown pity and sympathy. I wonder if I will be given proper burial and can't imagine how my last photograph would be. I am terror.

--x--


Also let me know what you think about the character in the story. I am a newbie and I just wanna check if I conveyed my message well!! Ha Ha!!

Let me remind you all, becoming crusader is easy and helps everyone out a lot. Concept of crusaders is simple, a hell lot of writers & bloggers support each other by connecting with each other , making comments, participating in blog fests and other contests, and helping to promote their new friends. And ofcourse, you can find lot of help if you are a writer.

Don't forget to read similar posts here


with warm regards
AllMyPosts

21 comments:

Theresa Milstein said...

Excellent entry! Tells me what kind of person s/he is that a last concern would be for the goldfish.

I'm having a 500 followers contest. Please visit and enter to win great prizes. Thanks!

Carol Riggs said...

Nice tone of sadness and desperation. I like your goldfish bowl photo too! :)

Marie Rearden said...

Allmyposts! I'm wrapping up my Japan Help event and can't find your email address. Let me know. Thanks!

Marie at the Cheetah

Ciara said...

Great job! I hope to write mine soon. *waving* I'm a follower now. :)

AllMyPosts said...

Hey, flying cheetah (aka Marie Rearden), my email id is "allmyonlineearnings@gmail.com"

Thanks Ciara for following my blog. *Waving Back* Keep visiting and let me know how you feel! Don't forget to spice up the blog with your comments and suggestions!!!

with warm regards

Charity Bradford said...

This is great.It was so sad when he wanted to call to the swat team but his voice didn't work.

Cherie Reich said...

I like the "still as stone" line and the character's desire to save the bowl.

raisingmarshmallows said...

Good take on this. I enjoyed it.

Nikki

Ben Langhinrchs said...

You did a good job of capturing the emotion. It did feel like there was more yearning to be said. Go for it!

Jen said...

Great job expressing the emotion of the situation. :)

Summer Ross said...

Very interesting the narrator would have concern for the goldfish but means the character has some heart even if others didn't notice it.

Trisha said...

D'oh, poor person!

alberta ross said...

hink your character is very good - story also - def. go for it

Jeanne said...

I want to know more about this. I would like some description of the senses the narrator is feeling as he lies there. How does his body feel? It just makes me want to learn more.

AllMyPosts said...

Hello Ms. Jeanne,

I am sorry!! I dunno much!! I wrote this on the fly!! I wanted hundred words for the second crusader challenge!! So made them!!!

You are free to imagine and add anything you like!! Ha Ha!!

My plan was to tell about some terrorist who is gonna die any moment now & yet cared for his beloved pet!! Something like that!!

with warm regards

Amanda Milner said...

Poor guy! Such desperation and hoplessness. :P I like your take, such a different spin!
I followed. ☺

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Hi there! New follower here :))

I enjoyed your entry. The emotions are palpable, and I, like many commentators before me, was struck by the compassion of the narrator who is as worried for his beloved pet as he is for his own fate. I did notice you bounced around with verb tenses. The prompt was in past tense, but much of your entry shifted into present.

Looking forward to reading more from you!

Happily Cheesy said...

The final series of thoughts that flash through a person's brain... Very nice.

Holly Vance said...

I am not an official Crusader yet either, but I submitted and entry anyway. Yay for party crashers!

Alison Miller said...

I agree with Holly - yay for party crashers - more cool stories for me to read! :)

I definitely feel your character's desperation. Good job!

Bess Weatherby said...

Interesting! I think you did a good job with characterization because of that detail -- that at the end he would still care about a little goldfish. Conveys a lot!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...