Monday, April 25, 2011

Show, Not Tell, Crusader Challenge

Hello Everyone,

One more crusader challenge from Rach Wirtes. The concept of this challenge is simple. In 300 words or less, write a passage that shows (rather than tells) the following:

  • you're scared and hungry
  • it's dusk
  • you think someone is following you
  • and just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.
Well, here is my entry:


In few hours, the landscape would be shimmering in moonlight. "Small arms fire" the radio boomed just before a mortar blew up a section of road, ten meters from my pit.
"Damn it" I spoke
"What? Pissed again?" asked Iceman.
"This is shit." Scared, hungry, sleepless for three days with eyes watering from the desert sand, I and Iceman are trying to hole out front observers guiding the mortar fire.
"Not a single twitch, only the eyes. Enemy may spot you." Iceman is reciting the most famous training phrase.
"They call it saccadic movement. You know?"
"I hate English teachers" shouted he, before nailing another fucker
"His brain is blown clean" said I, sighting the kill. My senses are quite now during gunfire unlike earlier.
My heart skipped a beat and I hyperventilated, when out of nowhere, a body fell on me. I reached for my bayonet though it wasn’t necessary anymore. He must have crawled to this pit, unnoticed. Following our muzzle flashes in the mid of all action.

"Thanks Iceman. But did you see him before he almost killed me?"
"Smelled his salt ridden fatigues"
"Oh!! Cut the crap. You can’t smell a thing here”
“I am trained to look out for certain substances unlike you”
“I shouldn't have volunteered for this job."
“Here, take some candy” saying which Iceman pushed a candy bar towards me.
“Another rat, to the right”, I pointed out
3d Shoot Out, Shooting cartoons, cartoon shoot out, cartoon firing,
3 D Shoot Out
“Following you again?? You are good bait bro. Keep low” Iceman shouted.
“Fuck you all” shouted I before feeding the rat with 5.56mm

Probably I am bad at showing. I just dunno. Tell me how you felt? Am I showing or telling? What changes should I make in this entry to make it more better??
with warm regards


Anonymous said...

The scene was really good!! I can visualize it!!

It is good! I think you showed a little and told a little!!

Zan Marie said...

So different and good. I think yours is the only one I remember in this type of setting.

I'm about to start me Celebration Blogfest late this week. I only lack 6 more followers to hit 200 and a couple posts to hit 100. Come check me out In the Shade of the Cherry Tree. ( )

Deniz Bevan said...

Very vivid! I love seeing the different settings everyone uses.

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